All these demons eating at me.
These voice whispering, screaming.
They don't leave any room for me to think. There isn't enough space to process all these thoughts and feelings.
This Lent has been a hard season for me. I think more than ever, I am acutely aware of my ungratefulness. I see the cravings, the desires, the wants...how the not having of these things vex me. And I am vexed greatly. There is this very dark feeling that God is withholding, and I know, maybe more now than ever, that if he is not fulfilling those things, that there is a very real possibility that it is because he does not want me to have them. And I am not grateful that. I look at Him and accuse Him of neglect, of forgetfulness, of a lack of love.
In our Lenten guide last week, the primary reading was Luke 12:22-34. (Luke is, for me, a neglected book. I tend to look at the parallel verses in Matthew. Matthew 6:34 could be one of my life verses, I am such a worrier.) It was Luke 12:32 that struck me the most during my reading.
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."
Last night, the Skipper and I sat eating Mexican. "The kingdom isn't enough," I said. She looked and me with sad, knowing eyes and nodded.
You can say God set us up to fail, that he knew our natures were weak and that it wouldn't be fair to punish us for not being able to live up to unrealistic expectations. But he wanted us to love him, wanted us to choose him and that meant that that left the option open for us to not choose him. Adam and Eve chose themselves and so the cycle began, and sin came into the world and there would be no relief from that brokenness. However, God also set us up to win, because he knew we were weak and we would never be able to not choose ourselves. He made a way to bring us back to Himself no matter how many times we walked away and left Him to be gods or to make gods of other things and people. It PLEASED Him to strip Himself of divinity and walk as one of us so that we out have back everything we had lost. It was His pleasure to give us the kingdom.
I complain, because the kingdom, his love, his presence...it just doesn't seem like enough. I don't want it. I want other things. Things that seem more delightful and more wonderful and more pleasurable than He does. I am ungrateful. I am forgetful. I am this sinful saint that isn't doing it quite right. And yet, here is this great big God who will stoop low and please Himself by giving Himself for me. Even as I sit, sulking like a spoiled child, he is reminds me that he is gracious and slow to anger and abounding in love. He has not forgotten me or forsaken me. My ungratefulness does not change His character, does not change His affection, does not change what pleases Him.